i called you my best friend

i did not know when i took you hand and held it tight in the dark that you wanted to hold me forever. i did not hear your heart breaking when i told you that i had feelings for your friend. i am sorry, i really did not know. i should have opened my eyes and seen what was seen by you and others. none of my friends told me, when my enemies did, i pushed them away. i did not know that you girl friend had broken up with you. i did not know that your smile were out of need to hold me and tell me how you felt. did you ever really like me that much? why would you? i am not the prettiest, or was it that you just wanted a girlfriend, as so many others told me, as i felt they just wanted to turn me against you. when i told you the words, i did not know that it was the last time you would speak to me, i did not know how much you were hurting. i was disbelief, i was flattered. you left, no good-bye, not even a smile. when you laughed with other girls was it just to make me jealous? congratulations, then, you succeeded. when i hear your friends talk about you, i am envious, because you were that good to me, i just did not see where it was coming from, i just thought you were a sweet guy, and when i told you my secret i expected you to keep it. but you did not. my words reached ears. they were only meant for you. is revenge sweeter now that you know that you have hurt me? are you smiling because you won, and i am the one left with the broken heart, not you? are you happy because i am still thinkning about you even though this happened two months ago? or are you missing me, thinking about me, wondering what might have been? have you ever regretted ignoring me? ever thought about giving me a second chance? they said your feelings were strong. were they? how come you were after her the second i said "no"? i apologize, again. i really should have seen it coming. i would not ask myself these questions if you had not left me alone, to be mocked and gossiped about. you were part of it, too.  you mocked me and pointed your finger at me, through it all. i thought you were my friend, my one true friend. all i can do is apologize and wonder, if you are laughing with you buddies or with your new girlfriend at me, at my words, at the truth, at my stupidity, at my heart, at my loss. i will never know what feelings they were, that took over me when i thought about you. were they of friendship or of something more? i will never know what you were to me. you made me wonder what my mind was really thinking, what my heart wanted to say when i gave you my hand and held yours tight.